Weird, Hard, and Good

I'm going to try to blog again.

I started this blog shortly after moving to Vancouver and joining YWAM full-time.  That was in 2006.  I saw it as a way to put into words any thoughts, stories, and updates which people might want to read in order to stay connected - without me inundating their email inboxes.  It's always been geared for people who know me and has never been a public or searchable blog (it will remain that way).  But now that I've left YWAM, I have decided to try to continue writing.  Mostly because I don't like the idea of not being connected through my update emails I have sent for years, and because I actually like writing at times.

I haven't known how to start this today.  I think I thought that I would be able to convey how it feels to have officially left YWAM.  But I don't think I can.  People have asked me if I need to talk about it as I transition out of serving in a context that has been such a huge part of my life since 2003.  But I'm not sure what to say.  How do you sum up that much time, all that I've learned, everything that happened?

It's weird.  It's emotional.  But mostly, I'm just thankful.  I have learned so much and met so many amazing people that I struggle to express it without sounding cliche.  But it's really true.  I have really learned SO MUCH and I am just really, really thankful for the last decade.  I am not going to try to break it down for you as that would take hours.  But God is good and I feel at peace with my decision to step out.

But here goes.  One weird thing, one hard thing, and one good thing:

One of the weirdest things to get used to is that when I meet new people who inquire about my life and what I've been up to, I no longer say, "I serve with YWAM."  It's now, "I used to serve with YWAM."  That feels very strange to say and even write.  

One of the hardest things is not having as much easy contact with my YWAM community.  I don't see them at meetings or the office anymore because, well, I'm not there.  We have to work a little harder to spend time together.

One of the great things is that, over the years, God has blessed me with people outside of YWAM who care about me and invest in me.  This is not to downplay the importance of my YWAM friends (see last point) but it really does make the transition out of YWAM easier. 

Yes, once a YWAMer, always a YWAMer.  But it's still different now and different does not equal bad.  I received a letter in the mail today from a dear YWAM friend and she wrote, "Always remember - the most spiritual thing you can do is obey....  There is no division between sacred + secular for the disciple of Jesus.  Obedience is the key."

I'm working as an office administrator for my friend's construction company and continuing to take college courses.  And I'm still involved with hockey as much as possible, coaching and playing.  Clarity is still needed about my education and everyone I know has different opinions about what I should do in that regard, some more adamant and vocal than others.  :)  But I'm going to wait until God makes some things clear about school before I make any decisions.  And full-time ministry may be back on the table in the future.

I never thought I'd live in Vancouver this long.  I'm in my 8th year.  Wow.

Building Momentum

In August 2007, in the Czech Republic, this happened.  That was only the beginning. 

Then in December 2010, in Slovakia, this happened.  

June 2013 presented yet another opportunity to connect with Eastern European female players in St. John's, Newfoundland.  

And now, August 2013, it's time for another adventure. I'm off this week to Eastern Europe with Athletes in Action for the third time.  There are 4 of us going this time around:

-Chelsa from Regina - my "partner in crime" when it comes to women's hockey ministry... except there's nothing criminal about what we do.  :)
-Laura from Regina - a 17 year old who was formerly coached by Chelsa.
-Liz from Vancouver - another 17 year old whom I have coached for the last 3 years.  I also live in her family's basement.
-Me.

I love how God uses the platform of hockey, something I love so much, to work in people's lives.  And this trip is a culmination of the previous trips.  We've been building to this, and we hope to continue with more momentum for future trips.  We want to see God work in the lives of female hockey players.  He's opened doors for us in Slovakia so we're taking steps of faith in that direction.

Some of the Slovak girls in St. John's.  Martina (with bandana) is our contact in Slovakia.

Please pray for us.  Pray for team unity.  Pray for health and safety.  Pray for our luggage to make it.  Pray for God to be moving in the hearts of those we encounter, and our own hearts too.

We have a team blog for our time there so please keep up with us at:
http://womensslovakiahockeytour.blogspot.ca/

My Cup Runneth Over

It's not that I don't want to write.  I do still like to write.  Recently, while at a gathering of very creative friends, someone shared some beautiful poetry they had written.  Afterward, my friend turned to me and said, "You should start writing again."

Yes.  I should.

I don't consider myself a writer.  Perhaps I'm more of a "thoughts into words" kind of girl.  I have dabbled in poetry in the past, but that's mostly for private viewing.

This blog, however - I need to pay more attention to it.  So today, I want to write about blessedness.

I think there can be an arrogance to this word, especially in North America.  We say we are blessed and what we really mean is that we are so glad we're not like many others in the world.  This world can be a nasty place.  Sex trafficking in Cambodia to stabbings in Vancouver to the ravages of terminal disease.

But this post is not about that.  I simply want to express, with as much humility as I can, how I have been overwhelmed with an awareness of my blessedness in recent weeks.  These are my "thoughts into words." A list of sorts.

Doing what I love.
Smiles, laughter, banter, jokes at the rink with my girls.
An open sheet of ice, all to myself.
Being welcomed into homes, lives, families.
An extremely generous friend.
Divine provision.
Being privy to acts of courage,
Expressions of love,
Heartfelt compliments,
And faith in action.
A faithful family heritage.
Laughter and kisses from my nephew.
Friends who listen.
Snow-topped mountains in the sun.
A loving and dangerous God,
My portion forever.

"... My cup runneth over.  Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever."

Psalm 23:5b-6 KJV

Yup, I Did It.

It's September 2nd, 4 months to go in 2012 and I did it.  I've made 2012 a year of change.  And it's been good.... so far.

Remember this post back in February?  I've embraced the change.  Even when I didn't want to!

I was forced into moving when I didn't want to and that's turned out to be very good for me.  It was definitely time for a change - a new roommate and new location.  My new place isn't as shiny as my last place, but it's cute and cozy enough to be home!  My roommate is fantastic and I'm paying less so those are really great changes!

I have new relationships as well.  I've made new friends near and far, Christians and not Christians, and deepened in some of my existing relationships.

I've been stretched in my faith.  An example of this is the CRA auditing my 2009 tax return.  This has been challenging.  There were days I didn't have a good attitude, days where I was just downright angry, and days where I was anxious and pitying myself.  The audit still hasn't been resolved but I'm not nearly as worried about it.  God provided an accountant to help me out and I've learned more about how to deal with anxiety and stress.

My trip to Mexico in May (serving with YWAM Tijuana) was a huge part of that.  I spent a lot of time reflecting on the last 10 years of my life (prompted by my 10 year high school reunion) and thinking about the next 10.  And I realized that it didn't make sense to be anxious about the future.  In the past, whenever I had to think about making future decisions, it often left me paralyzed and scared.  I was so afraid of making the "wrong" choice.  But God has really given me freedom and taught me how to deal with some of that fear.  And it makes me more willing to embrace change.

I'm going back to school... in two days.  Tuesday morning.  It's been 9 years since I was in school.  It will be strange to be surrounded by many 18 year old students (not all, but most) but I'm looking forward to challenging myself in this way.  It will be good to stretch my brain in new ways.

One of the more stretching things about going back to school has been having to take a big step away from YWAM.  I'll be down to about 8-12 hours per week with YWAM.  I've been serving full time for 6 years now so it feels weird.  The end of an era, if you will.  It's good, but it's still strange.

On Friday, my final full day in the YWAM office for the indefinite future, I was having an emotional day about all this.  Not just change in my own life but the lives of a lot of people close to me.  Some of these changes are wonderful and fantastic and super exciting, but others are tragic and challenging and even life threatening.  The juxtaposition of these types of events can be difficult to deal with.

*sigh*

But God is good.  All the time.  Not just 99% of the time.  All the time.  And with Him, all things are possible.

Here we go!

Home

Here are some pictures of the new place.  It's nice to have a place to call my own again.  But no, I don't like moving so I really hope I don't have to for a while!  I felt like I moved twice this year already - packed up all my stuff and put it into storage for February 15 and then moved it all and unpacked it into this place on April 1st.  Thanks to everyone who helped make it possible!  I couldn't have done it without all who helped load/unload, drove the truck, made me dinner, and prayed.

Living room before

Living room after

Kitchen before

Kitchen after

Eleven Words

I went to a play tonight... it was Pacific Theatre's final play of the 2011-12 season called "100 Saints You Should Know" by Kate Fodor.

I had heard good things about it... a friend of mine was a member of the cast... and I took my friend Hillary for her birthday along with our friend Melissa.  I didn't know much about the plot going into it but the synopsis is as such (taken from Pacific Theatre's website):

Matthew is a faithful priest caught in a spiritual crisis. Theresa is a former wild girl whose earthbound life as a freelance maid has her asking Big Questions. As she journeys toward a faith that he’s falling away from, unexpected events leave them grappling with both their worldly and other-worldly longings. The play crackles with life, with its brashly hilarious dialogue and fresh, utterly recognizable characters.

But I find myself not thinking of the plot but thinking of one line.  I don't know much about theatre so I can only guess that it should be considered the focal line of the script... but it's resonating with me, as it probably would with you if you were to attend the play.  It's an expression of a desire deep within the soul for...

a surge of the heart, a cry of recognition and love.

That's it.  Eleven words.  Who doesn't want that?

Honestly.  Ask yourself if you want that.

Yup, you do.

I see it in so many people around me.  Teen girls on the female hockey team I coach.  Women in their 20's, 30's or 40's with whom I play hockey.  The person on the street asking for change.  The loud attention-seeking guy at the pub. My closest friends.  My family.  Me.

We are looking for love.  To be chosen.  To be recognized for who we really are.  And for it to be freely given.

Unfortunately, we search for it by traveling down a variety of avenues and alleyways... and some are dead ends.

But the bottom line is this: if my life can be lived in such a way where God uses me to help even one person find this... well... that would be worth it.

Sheesh.

Good

Good Friday.  I was reflecting this morning on the adjective "good" that is part of this day's name.  

If we had been there, would we have called it good?  Maybe, but doubtful, no matter what side we were on.

If I had been there, I would like to think that I would have been the one helping Him carry the heavy cross to Golgotha.  Or that I would have been patiently watching, scared of course, but expectantly waiting for Him to reveal His sovereignty.  Or that I would have been sure that in three days time I would see Him walking down the path in the garden away from the tomb.  

That I would've had faith in who I knew Him to be and what Scripture said about Him.

But today, I can't help but wonder... would I have been in the crowd yelling at Pilate to "Crucify him!"?  Would I have been shouting, "I thought you could save yourself!?" as I watched Him hang? Would I have been the one denying that I ever knew Him just hours after I promised Him I would die with Him and never disown Him?

I'm not sure. 

And I'm not sure that any of these people would have called that day "good."

But now, 2000 years later, I call it "good" because I know the result.  I know the rest of the story.  I know the hope that comes in three days.

We sang part of this at church today - How Deep the Father's Love for Us by Stuart Townend.  And I say only part of the song because we stopped after the line "Ashamed I hear my mocking voice call out among the scoffers."  Maybe on Sunday we will sing the rest of the song.

How deep the Father's love for us

How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son

And make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One

Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon the cross
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

Another post about change. Boring.

One of the most prevalent topics that comes up in my adulthood is the topic of change and more personally, how I deal with it.  I feel like I have written a lot of posts about this in recent years so that must be a sign... of something.

I feel pretty strongly that 2012 is going to be a year that will stretch me a bit in my flexibility.  And no, I'm not talking about taking up gymnastics.  Ha.  I will have a new home, new roommate(s), new relationships, and who knows - potentially a new "job" or daily schedule.

But I don't want that to sound cliche.  Most people seem to start a New Year thinking, "This one is going to be different than the last."  Like we need the year's end to push us to make changes in our life.  However, I didn't need the year's end to do that, I just needed some circumstances to push me into change.

So I've been asking questions of myself... and in some ways trying to open up to change.  Who do I want to be?  How does who I am affect where I live and what I do?  What needs to change about myself?  Are there things I am putting off?  Are there things I should be doing that I'm not? 

Quarter-life crisis?  Maybe.

Recently, I was writing a friend and I commented that sometimes I just want to hit the button labeled "pause life" so I can just enjoy where I am - no changes.  Alas, this button does not exist unless I become a lonely hermit.  And this was my friend's response:

We know the things we love, we keep them close as often as possible. But the changes... those are the wrapped-up boxes waiting under the tree. They can be covered in newsprint or glitter, mud or ribbons and bows. Some we open eagerly and some are forced on us, but the outside appearance is no guarantee of the contents. You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone, but sometimes you don't know what you've missed until it unfolds in front of you.

I needed that reminder.  In talking with another friend just today about the fear of stagnancy in relationships, I realized that such a fear actually boils down in some ways to a fear of no change.  I think I'm the opposite - I tend to fear change more than I fear stagnancy.  I don't think this is a good thing.  :s

So. As I look at 2012 I tell myself this:

Be willing to let go of the things I hold close and take risks.  It doesn't mean I've lost the things I let go of, but there might be something in one of those unopened boxes that God really wants for me.

Time will tell.